Officiously unofficial...

The Neighbors I Am Refusing to Talk About Again (ahem) haven't been our only source of suburban frustration this week. I had a brief, but lively, discussion with another neighbor Saturday morning; a woman who only recently moved in but seems rather excited about being here. (I know HOA board members. She shows up at meetings with ideas, and enacts projects on whims. Oh, yes.) Some weeks ago, I received a letter asking whether or not I would be attending the annual homeowners breakfast at a nearby country club. I answered that I would not, and sent it back to the board member responsible for taking care of such things.

The annual breakfast is a neighborhood "thing". Unfortunately, it's also a neighborhood "thing" for everyone to have a contact list with everyone else's names and info right there for easy access. Mrs. Enthusiasm called bright and early Saturday morning, sounding very official. I thought something was wrong, judging by her tone, and wondered if I'd forgotten to mail the garbage people their pickup fee. Once we'd gotten past the initial, introductory hello/self-identification part of the "conversation", here's how it went:

"I am calling about the breakfast - I don't think I have an answer from you, and want to know...."

I told her I likely would not be attending.

"Well, I need a definite answer from you. You see, I feel it would be a good idea to give the place we're having it at an exact head count so they will know how much food to prepare."

I tried to speak. She cut me off, and I don't remember what she said. It was something about the head count again. I was growing confused by this point, as I have never been pressured into an answer about the breakfast before. I told her, again, that I probably would not be attending.

"Well.... I just need to know for sure so I can let the people who are doing the food know."

I mentioned that I thought I had already given an answer via a letter. (Hint, hint, lady, the people who need this info have it. It's a done deal!)

"Oh, well, this is just something, you know, that I am doing because I thought it would be a good idea to....." (You have GOT to be ******** me....)

And that is when I said, "If this is so urgent for you, then just put me down as a definite no."

She didn't like that. "Oh, well, I am sure if you change your mind that there will be enough food, I just thought it would be a good idea to, you know, have, you know, a head count...." (Cue "Twilight Zone" theme...)

I said, "Okay. I understand. Just put me down as a no."

She stammered, "Well....okay, but we really need to have a head count and I am sure there will be....if you change your mind just let me know and I'll get in touch with the people who are doing the food and let them know of the change."

I said, "No, no, it's fine. Since it's so important that you know right now, just put me down as a no."

She thanked me in the same way a teacher who had just scolded me would, and I said (in that forcefully polite, smiley-sticky-sweet Southern way), "BYE!" It actually reverberated a bit throughout the living room, that "BYE!" I heard her go, "Uh!" as I clicked her into phone oblivion. And I should note - I maintained perfect, charm school manners through that entire, strangely circular ordeal, even during the bye/click part at the end. How, I don't know, but I'm rather proud of myself.

We will be having our information removed from the HOA's contact sheet. I want her to come knocking with her next self-assigned task and officious attitude, so I can have Didgeridoo Boy answer the door in a sexy clown suit and a jet pack, holding a magic wand, and looking like he's in the middle of putting on a gas mask.